Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Drunk is not a location!
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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