Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
