Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
