i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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