he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
