I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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