note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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