I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
