I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
