I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
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