i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
