I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
It's Friday. Sex?
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
