Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
