i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
