Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
