I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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