i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
