OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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