I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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