Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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