.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
