Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
