Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
