somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
