saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize