she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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