I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Randomize
