Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
