So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
