the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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