I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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