I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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