Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
