If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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