He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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