Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
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my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
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