i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
