the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
