you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
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