I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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