What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
