I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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