The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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