upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
