Got a toothbrush?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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