i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize
