He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
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I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
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Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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