Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
