my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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