I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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