i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
