Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
