I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
