i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
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i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
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i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants