Please, let me fuck your mom
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
where are my eyebrows?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
